The Ugliest Color

          "Oh look, there he goes. The handsome boy with those deep blue eyes that could make a fifty-year old nun swoon. His hair looks so soft you just want to run your hands through it all day (in a non-creepy way). And that smile...oh that smile. One glimpse of those pearly white teeth of his and you'll think you just saw Heaven. Ugh but look who he's with...her. Look at the way she walks like she owns the place. Her clothes all cute and coordinated. Who does she think she is? Well at least I'm prettier than she is. I probably have better grades too. He's a fool for picking her over me."
          If you're anything like I am, that internal conversation has gone through your head more than a few times. You feel bad for not having something (or someone) that another girl has, so you have to actively convince yourself that you are better than she is in one or more other ways. Here's the problem with that logic, though: it actually makes you worse. I'm not going to give you the don't-be-mean-because-you'll-hurt-someone's-feelings (blah blah blah) speech. I am going to tell you why that familiar shade of green called jealousy that we clothe ourselves in is the worst possible color for every skin tone.
          Let's go back to that little internal conversation we had while Danny Dreamboy was walking by with that girl. I bet if you held a mirror up to your own face at that exact moment, you would see a facial expression that would prompt your grandmother to give some threat like "your face is going to get stuck like that if you keep glaring." The kind of face that not only gives off a most unpleasant image, but is also known to cause wrinkles. So by convincing yourself of how much prettier you are than she is, you are actually making yourself appear less so. Sorry, but Maybelline hasn't invented an anti-jealousy cream yet.
          Not only does the jealous green monster hurt your outside, but also your inside. If you spend all your time being reliant on hurting others just to build yourself up, you'll soon realize that life turns into a very tiring and unnecessary competition. Your self-worth should not be dependent on cutting others down. The foundation you build yourself up on should be made up of things you have accomplished and the many blessings you have been given. In the end, you have to see that you are truly beautiful in your own way. And once you do see that, you will begin to understand that truly beautiful girls look only for the beauty in others.

In My Own Little Corner

          I wish that I could promise you some sort of life-changing advice or message from the angels in this post, but unfortunately, all I can offer is what I'm thinking, and hope that some of you can relate and know that you aren't really alone after all. I read your emails to me about feeling like you don't have anyone to relate to or you feel left out at school, and my heart breaks for each one of you. I know exactly what feeling alone is like, and I know it is not fun. We may express these feelings to someone whom we are close to, and are told "It's just them. You're great. You just need to find the right people. etc.." In the end, though, it's very hard to think that anyone but you is to blame. "Maybe it's really my fault. Maybe I just keep isolating myself from people. Maybe I'm the one who put the chair in my own little corner," you think. If you're like I am, being in your own little corner can get very, well, lonely at times.

          Like I said, I don't have much advice for you on how to escape your own little corner, but perhaps just on how to change your view while you sit there. I have always been someone who enjoys being alone at times, and I honestly don't believe this is a bad thing. I think being alone at times forces us to be our own teacher, motivator, coach, and even best friend. That being said, being alone all the time can hurt. You wonder if there is someone out there who can relate to your personality, and get frustrated when you seem to find no one. Rather than thinking to yourself it is your fault, or that you need to change, or even that everyone else needs to change, I invite you to become more observant and more patient. We could all be more observant when it comes to learning about other people and trying to see their good qualities. I also think we should try to be a bit more patient with ourselves and others. Everyone has a different path when it comes to finding their true love, and maybe even to finding their own true friends. Perhaps you just haven't met your best friend or maid of honor yet. Be patient, and know that everyone goes through a time of feeling trapped in their own little corner. It just takes some a little longer to find the right people to dance with.

Don't Be That Girl

          We all know one (or many) of those girls who seem to bring their sob story with them everywhere they go. They're constantly looking for sympathy from other people about how their life is so hard and they can never seem to catch a break. We listen to them cry about how they're always the victim, and anything bad that happens is never their fault. Well of course you don't want to be (and hopefully aren't) that girl. That girl needs to be shipped to her own island with a box of tissues and some self-help books.
          Now, let's talk about another girl that you don't need to be. This girl is the one who goes through life looking for sympathy, not from other people, but from herself. She looks at the amazing things that other people have done and let's out a sigh as she wishes that she could be that talented, motivated, etc.. This is the girl who just is. She takes what's given to her, she doesn't ask questions. She doesn't want to get in anyone's way. If this girl could be described as a color, that color would be beige. And not even the beige that can look good when paired with other colors. This is the beige that has absolutely nothing to contribute to any color palette whatsoever. This girl whom you do not want to be is the one who does what's absolutely necessary, and nothing more. Dreaming is just something this girl does at night. This is the girl who will look back on her life when she's an old lady sitting in her beige living room and wish that she could have gone on at least one adventure.
          Ok, so now that we've established who that banal girl is, let's talk about why you are not that girl. You are not that girl, because you decide not to be that girl. You have dreams, and every day you make the choice to work your cute little butt off to achieve those dreams. You are not that girl, because you know that you can do anything you want to. No one needs to give you permission to be happy. No one needs to hand you the opportunity. You are not going to sit around and wait to be affected. You are going to go out and affect the world. Because, darling, you are not that girl.

Let's Get Naked

          When we were little, we ran around the playground with other boys and girls, blissfully unaware of what actually made us boys and girls. Until, that is, the little stink Tommy Holter decided to reveal to the entire kindergarten class why his body is different from his new baby sister's. After that, we were always told that your body is private, and not to be shown to everyone, let alone an entire room full of your classmates. In middle school we received the safe sex talk hearing the phrases "modest is hottest" and "don't do a thing without that ring!" at least a hundred times. To be physically naked with another person, we were told, was something special that has lasting effects on each person.

         Now what about being emotionally naked with someone? You may be laughing and thinking to yourself that there's no such thing. It's not like we have clothes on our emotions or something. Well, I think we do. I think that over time, we all try to cover up our emotions and stories so that we can focus, adjust, fit in, and move on. And the thing about these clothes, is that there really isn't a rule of when to take them off. There is no commandment saying "thou shalt not reveal thy daddy issues until the fourth date." Nope, we decide it all. We are given this frightening liberty of deciding whom and when we reveal our naked and raw emotions to. But much like revealing our physical bodies to someone, we don't get to decide what happens after we reveal our body of emotions to someone. I found this out the hard way a few times. I tend to trust people and open up to them very quickly. Some might argue that this is a good quality in a way, and I understand that it can make me seem more relatable. But another thing that I know, is that it hurts to be told in one way or another that your story is ugly or too much to handle. Very few people will tell you that in so many words. More so, they will just leave. They will see you standing there, all emotionally revealed, and decide that they don't want the burden. You can't really blame them for that. They never signed a contract saying that they would love you no matter what baggage you came with. You decided to tell them. You decided to bare it all to them. So there you stand - naked, alone, and wondering if someone will ever look at all of you and still want you.

          After you get hurt a few times, you'll probably be a little more careful, and maybe a lot more guarded. I suppose that may be a good thing. After all, you don't want to be the girl that emotionally sleeps around, do you? But what happens if you never get naked again? You certainly can't fall in love, that's for sure. I mean, how do you expect someone to love you if they are not getting all of you? Also, if we are never willing to drop our emotional trousers, what is going to make other people feel like they can do the same around us? So I suppose what I'm saying, is that being emotionally naked is a lot like being physically naked in some ways. You don't want to be the girl that reveals it all to everyone, but you also don't want to be the girl that never lets another person see her for who she is. After all, someday you will find the guy who will look at all he sees and still love you for every inch of you.

Happily Ever Now

          I opened my dictionary and turned to the definition of "happiness." It read: "Happiness: the state of being happy." Well thanks for nothing, dictionary. What am I supposed to do with that? Here I am wanting to be happy, and I can't even look up a definition so that I am able to tell when that time comes. Maybe it will be when I marry the man of my dreams. Maybe it will be when I own everything with a Kate Spade label on it. Maybe it will happen someday. Someday...but when will someday come?
          Let's think about this for a minute. If I am waiting for happiness, that must mean that someone else has to give it to me. The man gives me the ring, the salesperson gives me that new bag. If I am supposed to be happy ever after that, I think I should get some sort of certificate telling me that I am now free to be happy. I'll hang it up in my house so that I never forget that someone has given me permission to start being happy. Seems silly, doesn't it? Well it is. Why would we let ourselves wait for someone else to make us happy? Shouldn't we do that ourselves? It is not only that we should be the ones making ourselves happy, but we must be the ones to dictate our happiness. We have to be happy with ourselves on our own; without relying on anyone else. I am not saying that we need to isolate ourselves from the rest of the world in fear that we might actually enjoy being around someone (especially, Heaven forbid, a boy), but we shouldn't become dependent on someone or something to make us happy. Unfortunately, this is because people will leave, things will break, and life sometimes falls apart. At the end of some days, all you have is you. One of my favorite philosophers, Pascal, wrote about how man's biggest fear is to be alone in a room with nothing to distract himself. Try this sometime, and you will see what he's talking about. Who are you without your cellphone, or your friends, or your boyfriend. Are you happy with who that is? If you are not, then you are the only one who can change that. You must become content with who you are by accepting the gifts you've been given, and acknowledging your flaws. I believe that our ultimate goal should be to be so happy with who we were made to be, that we inspire others to do the same.

Unbroken

          I turned off the television after watching a movie, and headed upstairs. I went through my usual bedtime routine of taking off my makeup and jewelry, and putting on my pajamas. I climbed in bed when all of a sudden it hit me. My mind started racing, I couldn't control my thoughts, and I started crying uncontrollably. I knew exactly what was happening: I was having another anxiety attack. These attacks are a part of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), which is what I was diagnosed with about four years ago. I have had things under control for a long time now, and felt like it had gone away completely, until the other night. I was crying because it had come back. I was crying because I didn't know what to do. I was crying, because once again, I felt like I was broken.

          Along with the scariness of having anxiety and OCD, I am always frightened by the thought that I am damaged. I think about the stigma of going to counseling, and about how I should be able to fix my own problems. I feel helpless sometimes, and hate not knowing what is going to happen next. I love having control over things, and to lose control over my mood and emotions is extremely frightening for me. I talked to my dad after that sleepless night, and told him that I thought it was coming back. I have always had a very good relationship with my father, and value his advice. This conversation was no different. I told him about all of my fears. I told him that I hated the idea of being broken, and worried that people will think I am weak because I can't handle this on my own. My dad looked at me with the an expression which told me in silence that everything was going to be ok. The words he told me were just what I needed to hear. He did not tell me I was fine. He didn't tell me that it's no big deal. He told me that just because this is happening to me, does not mean that I am broken. He gave me example after example of successful people whom have all had dark days in their past. Bad days do not mean a bad life, he told me. He reminded me that I am still in control of myself and my future. My dreams are not broken, and neither am I.

          I understand that you all will not have the same situation that I do. I used this as an example, despite the sensitive nature, because I believe that we have all felt broken at one time or another. Sometimes we feel like someone else broke us, sometimes we think that we ourselves are to blame, and other times we may feel broken with no obvious explanation. I hope that you can benefit from my dad's advice like I have. You see, the only way that something breaks, is if it stops functioning like it is supposed to. What is our function then? Our function is to persevere. It is important to keep in mind that there will be ups and downs, but that brighter days always lie ahead. We are supposed to live each day to the best of our ability. In that way, the only way we break is by deciding to do so and giving up. As long as we approach life as a gift that we must use as best as we can, though, we cannot break. 

The Silver Rule

"Treat others the way you would want to be treated."

          These words hung above the door to my second grade classroom in brightly colored construction paper for all to see. "The golden rule," we were taught, was something we should always keep in mind when interacting with other people. It is an especially handy rule, particularly in the sense that it is not hard for people to understand. The simple repeating of the golden rule by our teacher in her sing-song voice would halt all hair-pulling and name-calling, and the classroom would return to it's calm state. One never had to worry about monitoring the obedience to the golden rule by others, as that was what teachers were for. If things got really out of hand, tattling was always an option, but only if done in secret, lest you gain a reputation as a tattle-taler. Nonetheless, the golden rule seemed to do its job quite well. That is, if everyone followed it.

          You see, that is where our problem lies. Without the overhanging threat of a time-out or trip to the principals office, what incentive is there to follow the golden rule? Many people will come to the conclusion that there is none, and the golden rule is better left in grade school. We are then left with the dilemma of having to deal with people who choose to abandon this rule. We have to become the monitors of how others treat us. In a way, we need to add another rule to our list. I believe this rule should read: "Let others treat you as you would treat them." Would you treat others with disrespect? I hope not. Why then, would you allow someone to treat you that way? People are going to treat you the way you let them treat you. You cannot simply hope that one day they will learn their lesson and start treating you better. Sometimes you need to be someone's lesson. By allowing yourself to be treated badly by someone, you are hurting both them and yourself. You can teach them a valuable lesson by simply walking away. There is no need to fight fire with fire. Hatred will not fix hatred. By treating others with respect, and refusing to associate with anyone who does otherwise, you will already begin to help everyone, including yourself. So, be an example to others, treating them the way you would want to be treated, with respect and kindness. But always remember this secondary, perhaps silver rule: Let others treat you as you would treat them.

Dream On

          "What do you want to be when you grow up?" This question was repeated to me by no less than every adult who ever came in contact with me when I was younger. I would proudly tell them what my latest dream career was. These careers ranged from mommy to brain surgeon to astronaut. In middle school, I remember playing MASH, which was a game done on paper in which you would supposedly find out who you would be married to, what kind of house you would live in, what kind of job you would have, and probably a few other things. All the options seemed quite possible, even being married to Justin Timberlake and living in a mansion (I still think that might happen). Then in high school, everything seemed to change. Dreams were now being filtered through scantron tests and college counseling meetings. More and more, I saw the emphasis on "fitting" the world. There I was, a seventeen year old girl who still watched Disney Channel being forced to decide on the school I wanted to go to, the potential major I would select, and what job that would land me in the future. Suddenly I was being told that I probably didn't have the necessary skills to become that astronaut in a pink lab coat that seven-year-old- me once dreamed of. My dreams now seemed as far away as the stars that I was now told I would never be able to reach. I couldn't help but feel a little hopeless. What would I do now that dreaming was seen as childish? Should we all just trade our MASH games in for SAT prep books and call it a life?
          I think that we need to rebel a little. I think that while the parents and teachers are telling us to pick a career within reach that's a safe bet, we need to dream bigger to places far beyond our reach. After all, the great people throughout history did not do the dream that was within their reach. They thought of the craziest dream of the time, and went for it. Was there a chance that they could fail? Yes. Is there a chance that you might fail at something you try? Yes. But the thing is, there is also that chance that if you put in all your effort, you might succeed even beyond your wildest dreams. So, whether you are seven, seventeen, or seventy, dream on. And above all else, work your hardest to make those dreams a reality.

Strong Like a Girl

          Lately I have been getting more and more into running. I find it is a great stress-reliever, and can help me gain my focus on what is really important. As I always do when I become interested in something, I started researching more information about running. I wanted to find out the fastest mile times, the best workouts, etc.. As I was reading, I became a little perplexed, and admittedly, a bit frustrated. I was feeling this way because almost every article I read gave different workouts or standard times for girls than it did for boys. Nine out of ten times, the girls' times were slower and the workouts were less rigorous. The very competitive part of me started to wonder why it is that in this modern day, there still seems to be a general feeling that boys are stronger than girls. Also, what does it really mean to be strong?
          Strength, as defined by the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, is "the power possessed physically and energetically, as well as the emotional or mental qualities necessary in dealing with situations or events that are difficult or distressing." I began to think on the second part of this definition in particular. When we look to some of the most influential women in our lives and throughout history, I think it would be more than fair to say that they all possessed a certain emotional and mental strength that is unique to women. Their strength is seen in the work they did to fix something in the world that they saw as wrong, despite everyone around them saying their efforts were useless. I believe that we as girls all possess this same kind of strength. This kind of strength is not always the kind that shows off to friends in competitions. This strength is the constant force in our lives that allows us to take in the stress of every day life and process it to make us better. A girl's strength is not stoic - it does not frown upon emotions. In fact, our emotions are one of the keys to our strength. We as girls have an innate ability to feel in our hearts what is truly right. Our emotions, while sometimes admittedly a bit out of control, are one of our key assets to guiding our decisions in life. I believe that it takes a great deal of strength for us to listen to our hearts and minds at the same time. Finally, unlike the kind of strength used at the gym, ours will never go away. Our strength is kept in our resilient spirit, and is what allows us to say to ourselves "I am strong enough to handle whatever life gives me."

Three Little Words

          Three simple words stared back at me in the form of a text message. Three words that seemed to hold all the power in the world. Three words that I deleted and rewrote about six times. "I love you" - short, simple, and sweet. In my mind, these words might have been my signature on the contract selling my soul. Suddenly these three syllables echoed in my head making me question what they even meant. Are they true? Do I really love him? Sure, we had said it before to each other. Those words were usually preceded by one of us being filled with gratitude for something that the other did. It always seemed natural to say. When the words rolled off my tongue in conversation, it was as if I was reading a scientific fact. There was no hesitation or doubt; that is, until I read them on my phone. Perhaps it was because I knew that once he saw it, there was no taking it back. I could not pretend that he heard me incorrectly. I couldn't laugh it off and change the topic before he got the chance to respond. No--it was right there. Size twelve font, clear as day: I love you. Why was this so hard for me to say? What do I mean when I say that I love someone? I suppose in my mind, when I say that I love someone, I am saying that I am theirs. They may have me as I am. They may hurt me, and they may not love me back, but I am still theirs. When we consider those consequences being held in three little words, it is easy to become afraid. We have grown up with two opposite ideas: the first idea being that love is a wonderful thing that we should give and take as much as we can. The second idea is that our heart should be guarded above all else. We are told that we should be very careful about whom we choose to love, because we will always end up being hurt. Well then, what are we to do with that? Is the potential thrill of loving and being loved in return worth the risk of being hurt and heart broken sometimes? I think it is. I think that love is the ultimate adventure that we should all embark on. Love is not the safety of your backyard on a summer day. No, love is the climb filled with stumbling, falling, rainstorms, and broken spirits. But the greatest part about such a climb is that when you reach the magnificent views along the way, you will be standing side by side with someone who appreciates the beauty as much as you do. 

Am I Pretty Yet?

          You stand in front of the mirror. "Just a few more adjustments," you think. Push your hair to the side, add a little more lipgloss... Are you pretty yet? You look at pictures of gorgeous models and read about the workouts they do every day. Coming back from the gym after following the latest celebrity workout perfectly, you look in the mirror... Are you pretty yet? Your teeth aren't white enough, your hair isn't the perfect shade of brown, there isn't a gap between your thighs. You don't look like the models on the covers of magazines with captions such as "how she keeps her perfect body." You don't look like those girls, so you must not be pretty. If you don't have the perfect body proportions to match perfectly soft hair and perfectly shaped cheek bones, you're not good enough. There's always something you can do better. These are the messages that are fed to us every day. These are the things we tell ourselves by the way we talk out loud and in our heads. We trick ourselves into thinking that we won't be valued by ourselves and others until we have reached what our society has determined to be beautiful. Our lives are filled with future goals surrounding our appearance that we think will ultimately give us the secret to happiness. "If I can just lose ten more pounds, then I'll look really good and I'll be happy." So, you lose those ten pounds. Are you happy now? Is your life everything you wanted it to be? Probably not. Sure, caring about your looks can give you the confidence boost you need. Taking care of our appearance is something that we must all do in order to be healthy and to outwardly portray our sense of self-worth. However, our happiness should not be determined by our dress size, or the length of our hair, or how tan we are. Do we really want our future daughters to feel the same way we often do? Do we really want them feeling like they aren't pretty enough just because they're not on the cover of a magazine or wearing the fanciest clothes? We have the opportunity to change the way girls think, starting with ourselves. We need to focus on living our lives for all that they are worth. We need to remember that it is more than outward appearances that make someone beautiful. Your beauty is something that radiates from the inside. It is shown in your smile and your laughter. Your beauty is shown in the tears you shed reading your favorite book. Your beauty is just that: it is yours. No one can ever take that away from you. They can take away your fancy clothes, your makeup, and your jewelry, so you stand there with nothing. And yet, you are still you, and you are beautiful.

Take Me To Neverland

“Forget them, Wendy. Forget them all. 
Come with me where you'll never, never have to worry about grown up things again.” 

          I laid in bed the other night looking out my window as I fell into a half-sleep, aware of the fact that I was dreaming. Why my mind goes where it does during dreams, I will never fully understand. I remember dreaming that I was in the bedroom of the movie Peter Pan. That he came down through the window, and offered to take me to Neverland. I took his hand, and just as I stepped off of the floor, I was awoken by the sound of my roommate coming in from her night out. "What a nice dream," I thought. I was sadly certain I wouldn't have it again, but I did. I have had that dream over and over again, when I'm sleeping, and when I am awake. I think about running away, just for a little while at least, to a place where I don't have to deal with the adult responsibilities that keep coming my way. I longingly look back on the days when the toughest decisions I had to make were which movie to watch, or which stuffed animals I would invite to my tea party. All silliness aside, I wondered why on earth we ever stop having tea parties with stuffed animals or spend our day watching Beauty and The Beast eleven times. Are we all just destined to evolve into the grown ups who wear sensible clothing and carry around day planners? What if I don't want to? Can't someone just take me to Neverland?

          I then thought about all of the things I am looking forward to about growing up. Things that I dream about such as getting married, having my own house, etc.. Clearly there are good things about growing up, so I really shouldn't be looking at it so dreadfully. I suppose the thing I am most afraid of is becoming one of those adults who never dreams; One of the people who looks at life as just a set of responsibilities. The good news is that doesn't need to happen. We can choose our outlook on life. We have the power to decide whether life is a to do list or a fairy tale. The child who spent the days thinking of wonderful possibilities never has to leave. In this way, we can go to Neverland. Our lives can be our Neverland where life is filled with adventure, and no one ever tells us to stop dreaming.

          

           

Waiting on Prince Charming

          So we've all heard it, and probably said it: "I have standards for the guys I'll date." I know I have. I spend way too much time thinking to myself about all the required attributes a guy must possess before he even thinks of asking me out. Requirements anywhere from his education, to his clothing, to the first letter of his last name (we must always keep our future monogram in mind, right?). Well put my picturesque prince charming I have in my head next to some of the guys I've actually dated, and you'll think that I lost my mind. Why then, do I spend my time on the boys whose most romantic gesture is sending me the ever-loved "Hey" text? Even more so, why do I put up with the kind of stuff that I do from the guys who I think are interested in me when I've always told myself that I won't tolerate anything less than a gentleman?
          "Maybe I should just settle," I think. Maybe I should just be fine with always being the one to text more than three words, pick the conversation topic, etc.. I mean, how do I know that there even is a guy out there who satisfies all of my requirements. Maybe I'm just too picky.
          I was on Twitter yesterday, and saw one of my favorite accounts, Bitter Girl Rants (@BitterGirlRants) tweeting about a book called "He's Just Not That Into You." I looked at all the excerpts she was posting, and knew that I needed to get this book as soon as possible. I thought it would help me see what I was missing, and boy was I right. I downloaded the book on my iPad, and started reading it on the elliptical. By the second paragraph, I was laughing hysterically and probably looked like a lunatic to everyone around me. This book, if you have never heard of it, is filled with questions that women sent in about the guy they are interested in, and the responses given by a straight male named Greg. The questions all revolve around the same premise: the woman is somewhat interested in a guy, he seems to be showing some interest back, but he is not following through with his actions. The answer given by Greg is always the same: he's just not that into you.
          Now at first you may be thinking what I was when I first read the title. Why would I want to lower my confidence by hearing that this guy is not that into me? Should I just assume that every guy who is not putting all of his effort into getting me is really not that interested? Yes, yes I should. You see, we need to stick to our standards of how we want to be treated by a guy. I think we all have a tendency to forget about our desires as soon as we think that a guy is interested in us, because we all like the idea of being in a relationship to some extent. The last thing we need to be doing is wasting our time hoping that the guy we are interested in will someday live up to our standards, because guess what: he won't. A guy will show you all you need to know by the way he treats you from the very beginning, and that behavior will not change. Now, I am not saying that you shouldn't give a guy your attention if he shows interest in you just because he may not be the prince you had pictured. What I am saying, is that being in a relationship is not enough. You need to save your time and effort for the guy who will put all of his time and effort into getting you and keeping you. Because trust me, you're worth it.

From Winter to Spring

          I was hesitant to put this post up, as despite what may be the reality, I try to appear as if I have things together at all times. I am not saying that I am always perfect; far from it. I suppose what I would say is that I have always been someone who can deal with the stress of daily life, and not let them see me sweat, so to speak. Lately though, I have not felt the same. I notice that I have been feeling anxious and stressed over the smallest things. I also can tell that I am thinking about past and future events over and over, letting them interfere with what is going on in the moment. "Breath." I tell myself. "You are fine," I think over and over again. But nothing worked. I was sitting on my bed in a full on panic attack yesterday bawling my eyes out over God only knows what. I curled up in my bed and reached for my phone to get on Twitter. It was then that I saw the news: Lilly Pulitzer had passed away.

          Knowing what you do about me, you would probably guess that I just completely lost it at that point. I mean, how was I to go on with my life when one of my favorite inspirational women had just left this world? I froze for what felt like an hour, and just stared at the news. I felt nothing. I did not cry. I did not know what to do. I clicked on a link to a page with a biography of Lilly. Glazing over the words I had read a hundred times before, I came to a quote by the Queen of Spring herself: "Despite the forecast, live like it's spring." Even though I had read this quote many times before, it was as if the heavens opened and shed their light directly on me, telling me exactly what I needed to do. I did not need to solve the world's problems. I did not need to plan out my life years into the future. No, I needed to treat every day like spring, as in a new beginning. Spring, the time when hope fills the air, and the flowers coming out of the ground remind us of all the beauty that comes out of the dirt of life. Spring, when there is rain which may make a cloudy day, but can wash the earth, making everything fresh and clean. I needed to start thinking of every day as a new spring. When we think about it, it is a great way to go through life. Spring does not pretend that winter never happened, it takes the cold of winter and makes everything new again from it. So we must do with each day. We do not need to pretend that bad things never happen. We need to take what we can from those, and trust that each new day will be one full of new life and hope. 

Your Questions Answered

Dear lovely ladies,

I have greatly enjoyed reading the emails you have sent me over the time that I have had this account. Many of your stories touch my heart, and I am always anxious to help when I can. While talking with my guy friend one day, I thought that it might be nice to have a boy's perspective on some of the things you all ask me. He and I went over all of your submissions, and have talked about how we would handle them. I have chosen to rewrite the questions before each answer. The answers given are what he and I have chosen to say together, rather than each of us giving individual answers. Please know that this is not a one time occasion, and you can always email me to ask for advice at propergirlproblems@gmail.com.

What is a good outfit for a first date?
     This depends a lot on where you are going! First dates are going to tend to be more casual, rather than a very fancy occasion. Wear something that you are comfortable in, and that is also true to your personality. Ladies, if you are more comfortable in jeans, then find a way to dress them up a bit with a cute top and a clutch. If you want to wear a dress because that makes you feel better, then go right ahead. Just make sure that whatever you wear is something that you don't have to fuss around with. I (proper girl), once made the mistake of wearing a strapless dress on a first date, and had the awkward problem of having to pull it up all the time. Not cute.

How to get a guy to text first?
     This can often be very frustrating, because texting in and of itself is harder to convey feelings through. It can be easy to feel like you are annoying the boy if you are always the one texting first. While the general rule is that if a guy is really into you he will show more effort on the texting front, don't be discouraged if your boy isn't the one always sending the first text. Try to pay attention to other signals such as the conversation after the first text. If his responses are one-worded or  come three hours later, then maybe it's time to move on. On the other hand, if he seems interested in talking and can carry on a relatively decent conversation, then that is a much bigger indicator of interest than who is sending the first message.

How to move on from a guy who broke your heart?
     While it may be very hard to do, the first step is to realize that a broken heart can be repaired. There are other guys out there, and all is not lost. Next, try to learn from the pain. What went wrong in the relationship that you can maybe try to avoid next time? Sometimes this doesn't become clear for awhile, so try to be patient. Finally, we were asked about the idea of revenge. Your happiness should be the ultimate goal in any future plan. What we mean by this, is that you should seek to be happy with someone else because you are trying to have a better relationship, not because you want to get someone back.

What should you do when you feel like you are getting mixed signals from a boy?
     Some days he's giving you that dreamy-eyed look, while other days he may seem cold as ice. How can you tell how he really feels about you? You mainly have two options here. Your first option is to just wait and play along with it. Be cute with him when he is being flirty, and then hang back if he isn't showing the same interest the next day. This requires some patience, but it may allow you to see if there is a pattern to his behavior. Your other option would be to make a bold move and ask him what his feelings are for you. This may result in him telling you he wasn't meaning to give mixed signals, and there isn't something there, but it could also help initiate something great if there really are feelings there. You never know unless you ask!

Again, thank you for all of your lovely notes. We chose to group some of the emails into one question, to avoid repeat answers. If you feel though, that your question was not answered, please let us know, and we will be happy to help!

The Great Unknown

          When I was five years old and someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, my answer was quick and sure. I was going to be a princess living in a castle with my ten kids, and would ride my pony to my job as a singer every day. Who knows, maybe that will still happen. More likely, though, my life will look very little like my childhood fantasy.
          Fast forward to senior year of high school. The ending of one chapter, and the start of a new one in my life. So many decisions had to be made: what school I wanted to go to, what I wanted to study, what kind of job I might be looking for after college. I thought I had everything figured out. I wanted to go into architecture, and then join a firm once I was done with school. I was happy with the school I had chosen, and was looking forward to a fresh start. The exciting fresh start I was hoping for only lasted about a week. I found my classes to be very difficult, and was not as happy at my school as I thought I would be. I was left with the decision between continuing to struggle in the classes I was taking, or find something new. Looking at the classes that were offered, I settled on economics without any rhyme or reason. I could tell within a week of my economics class that I was in love. I went from being so sure about my life as an architect to falling in love with a class I only took to fulfill a requirement. Maybe this was God's way of pointing me in a better direction. Who knows? I certainly don't. I suppose that is the biggest thing that I have learned: whatever picture I have in my mind of where I will be later in life, God has a bigger picture with infinitely more colors.
          This can all be a bit scary at times. Sometimes we may feel like we are a totally different person than we thought. We maybe feel stuck in one place, because we don't know where we are going. I have certainly felt this way during my freshman year of college. I have learned that the best we can do is to trust in God and ourselves. As long as we are trying our best, God will help us get to where He knows we will be happiest. The times when you may feel you are falling apart are the times God is building something better out of all the pieces.

Call Me Old-fashioned

          Lately I have become more aware of a dichotomy in the way that others perceive me. People often tell me that I dress well, saying that I look "classy" and "traditional," but when those words are used to describe my actions, they seem to take on a negative connotation. Suddenly I am not cool, because I don't want to go out to a party where I know bad things will happen. I receive looks of shock when I tell someone that I am waiting until marriage. As much as I sometimes think that I should just abandon my cautions and live without any fear of consequences, I will hold my ground when it comes to my standards and beliefs. I believe that love is far more special than lust. I believe that showing kindness to strangers is good for our souls. I believe that learning new things is exciting, and that books should be sought out for pleasure as much as television is. I believe that gratitude is the key to being happy with what God has given us. I have hope for the future, and I know that good things will happen each and every day. I believe that I am the architect of my future, and that my dreams can be made into plans. I will not passively sit by and wait for the world to hand me my dreams, because I know that will not happen. I believe in hard work, and in being grateful for how far I have come. I know that our generation does not value the same things. We will often find that traditional values are seen as out-dated and old-fashioned. Having high standards for ourselves and others will not always coincide with what is popular at the moment. So, call me old-fashioned, but I will continue to keep my head and my standards high, because I feel that being a lady is worth it in the end.

Proper Girl Book List

          Looking for some good reading over spring break? Take a break from textbooks and dive into one (or all!) of these wonderful books. These are all books I think portray in some way what it means to be a proper girl. Please feel free to suggest more by commenting on this post!

Be kind,

Proper Girl

Proper Girl Reading List

Pride and Prejudice, Austen

Sense and Sensibility, Austen

Emma, Austen

The Great Gatsby, Fitzgerald

Anna Karenina, Tolstoy

How to be a Hepburn in a Hilton World, Christy

Atlas Shrugged, Rand

Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl

Anne of Green Gables, Maud

The Taming of the Shrew, Shakespeare

To Kill a Mockingbird, Lee

Antigone, Anouilh

The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, Lewis

Mere Christianity, Lewis

Jane Eyre, Brontë

The Secret Garden, Burnett

Little Women, Alcott

The Help, Stockett

Classy: Exceptional Advice for the Extremely Modern Lady, Blasberg

The One Hundred, Garcia

Don't You Forget About Me

         I have read this quote on Pinterest a few times which talks about how the relationships that happen unexpectedly are sometimes the ones that change us the most. Well, I cannot think of a truer idea when it comes to my relationship with my friend, who we will call Jack. Jack and I started talking about two and a half months ago and immediately hit it off. We would stay on the phone for two or three hours, and the conversation was never boring. Something he said to me one of the first few nights has stuck with me, in particular. We were talking about childhood friendships and I made the remark that I tend to forget about people when relationships go sour and die off. He said to me "Well promise you won't forget about me?" I promised, even though I thought that was a rather silly thing to say when we had only been talking for a short time. Little did I know, that it would become the theme for my relationship with him.

          I feel I must give you a little of my background before I go further. I come from parents who divorced when I was eight years old. I have at least four other divorces in my family. While I have always relished in the thought that my marriage will last, I must admit that having divorced parents does have an effect on me and how I deal with other people. This effect is mostly seen in my tendency to walk away from relationships when bad things happen, no matter how small they are, and then forget about people as if I never knew them. I never saw how much this habit was engrained in me until I met Jack. After about a week of both of us thinking the other was perfect, we began to come down from the clouds. Both of our flaws started to show more and more, and our conversations would sometimes involve less laughter than they did at the start. In many ways, this is like every other relationship I have ever had. Here, though, is where he differs: no matter what happens, Jack and I always come back to each other. 

         There have been times when I have done or said something that I think "Oh he probably hates me. I'm destined to live alone on a deserted island for the rest of my life with no friends." There have also been times when he has said or done something that has hurt me, and part of me wants to just run away and not talk to him anymore. No matter what, though, we always come back. Neither of us has ever given the other one the "silent treatment," and our arguments never last long at all. I am convinced that this is because both of us make a concerted effort to work through things, and not ignore issues until they become bigger and end up hurting us more. My friendship with Jack has taught me that the small fights we may have are never worth walking away. The fact that we can work through them only makes our friendship stronger. 

          This has all made me think a lot about the idea of commitment. We talk about the commitment to someone in marriage, and how serious that is, but what about friends? What says that we cannot work on skills we will use in marriage with the friends we have now? You see, I believe that if we want to be the type of person who is committed to marriage when it comes, we have to practice that now. I understand that not every relationship is the same, and that some relationships do simply die off; however, I have come to the realization that just because I will be married to a man doesn't mean that the relationship will be fail-proof. I must work on how I react to situations, and more importantly, whether I choose to walk away or stay and fight to make things better. I am confident that working on my habits now will only make my marriage stronger when that day comes. 

When Life Gives You Lemons...

          "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!" It sounds so simple, doesn't it? I mean, who doesn't like the idea of turning their problems into a sweet and refreshing summer drink? As pleasant as this saying is, though, I feel like there are a couple problems with it. Firstly, this makes it sound like everyone is given the same lemons. We should all be able to use the same amount of sugar and water in order to turn the situation around. Secondly, this saying guarantees a great outcome. It does not say "When life gives you lemons, try to make some lemonade and hope that it doesn't give you food poisoning." Of course not. We want to focus on the positive, and that's all great. Let's get real for a little bit, though. I am sure that when we have all been handed our proverbial lemons, our first instinct is to throw them back at life and demand some chocolate instead. This initial feeling can come in many forms. In my own life, I have seen it in the forms such as denial, self-pity, sadness, and just plain anger. The hardest part for me is moving past that feeling. It can be so easy to sit there and hope that your challenges will go away. I can say from experience that wishing doesn't get you very far. The first real step comes in acknowledging that there is work that needs to be done. After all, you would much rather make lemonade with the lemons right away rather than letting them sit there and rot, right? Right.

          So, what next? Going along with my realistic approach, I will take you through a potential recipe, if you will, of a way to approach some of life's problems. First step: figure out your plan, including what you may need. This doesn't mean that everything will go according to plan, but it may help you wrap your mind around what you are in for. As an example from my life, I have started my journey of achieving my goal weight by plotting out what I will need to do (an exercise plan, food diary, etc.). Sure, I have had setbacks, but I feel much more comfortable knowing that I have a plan to turn to when I feel like I may be losing control. Second step: experiment. As someone who loves to calculate things, I know this can be daunting. You may try things and figure out that they don't work. This does not mean you should give up. Just because something in your plan failed does not mean that you have failed. You must keep an open mind and be ready to adjust things as necessary. As long as you keep your eyes on the ultimate goal, you will be able to figure out what things need to be adjusted. Third step: allow for time. Another problem with the saying "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!" is that making lemonade takes all of fifteen minutes (thirty, if you have a five year old "helping" you). Most of our problems in life take a lot longer than that to solve. Be patient with yourself and others. The key here is that you are working to solve them. No matter how slowly you go, you are always ahead of the people who don't do anything about them. Fourth and final step: celebrate (small) victories. You do not need to wait until the final goal is achieved to celebrate your success. It can be very motivating sometimes to stop and look at how far you have come. Doing so will make you realize that you can keep going until you do reach the finish line when you can sit back and enjoy your lemonade.

Beautiful People Do Not Just Happen

        I am changing up what I was going to write for this week as a result of a conversation I had with a dear friend the other night. Our conversation was about beauty. I must admit that this was a rather difficult conversation for me to have for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I felt unable to get my point across. My point was that I believe that my friend is a beautiful person. I only give compliments when I truly mean them, so it was frustrating that I could not make her understand what I meant. Secondly, her ardent persistence against me forced me to think about what I was really trying to say. What did I mean when I said she is a beautiful person? I recalled a quote by Elizabeth Kubler Ros, in which she talks about beautiful people being those who have seen and felt terrible things, and have come out with a unique perspective on life. In many ways, this was exactly what I was trying to say. My friend is not perfect, and that is part of what makes her so beautiful. When I think of her, I think of someone who is able to learn from mistakes, recover from heartbreak, and most of all, be a shining example of how life is a journey that is ultimately good. By being my friend, she has taught me a lesson that I hope to pass on to you: it will be ok. The heartache you feel today will pass. You will recover from defeat. You will learn from mistakes. All of these things help shape you into a more and more beautiful person. You will be able to better help others, for you know what they are going through. You will be another example of how life is ultimately good, despite the bad that we may see. You will be beautiful.

You is kind. You is smart. You is important.

        What does it mean to be a "proper girl?" This question crosses my mind quite frequently, especially since I am in some ways claiming to be one. By no means do I think being proper means being perfect. I have my bad days just like everyone else. As I was watching "The Help" the other day, the quote said by Aibileen to Mae Mobley a number of times struck me. "You is kind. You is smart. You is important." These three seemingly simple statements hold so much power, and offer a good explanation of what I think it means to be a proper girl.


You is kind.

What does this mean? Is there a list of things you must do in order to be kind? I think if there was such a list it would never end. When I looked up "kindness" in the dictionary, I found "benevolence" listed as one of the synonyms. Benevolence literally translates from Latin as "well-wishing." I believe this is a good way to think of kindness. For if you have the mindset of being well-wishing and generous, you will always find ways to help people. A person who is truly kind will be able to look around them and see the endless opportunities there are to help people.

You is smart.

Despite the grammatical irony of this statement, I think it is something we should always remind ourselves of. I had a teacher in high school who always told me that his goal was to teach us how to learn. What he meant by this, is that he wanted to turn us into people who had the intelligence to look at the world around us and be capable of learning more about it on our own by asking questions and exploring. This curiosity and the drive to satisfy is are what I believe make a person smart. When you think of people in history who we now think of as brilliant, geniuses, etc., they were not the people who were satisfied with reading only what was in their textbook. No, they went out and sought more. They were the people who knew that there was always more to learn. For as Oscar Wilde said, "You can never be overdressed or overeducated."

You is important.

When I think of all the things and people who bring me down from day to day, I am the biggest offender. I catch myself thinking so often "You're not pretty enough." You're not smart enough." "You're not good enough." I know I am not the only girl who feels like this. Why then, are we so inclined to put ourselves down like that? As many people do, we can blame the media and claim that they put unrealistic expectations on women and all of that. Where do we get by doing that? Nowhere. There will always be people telling you to be thinner, fatter, smarter, etc.. While we might enjoy visualizing a utopian society in which each woman is considered beautiful by all, the real change needs to happen within ourselves. We must ask ourselves if we are happy. We must ask ourselves if we love who we are. If the answer to either of these questions is "no," then something needs to change. Here's the catch, though: the only person who can change it is you. You cannot rely on another person to make you love yourself, and they cannot make you truly happy. Part of believing that you are important is taking the time and effort in order to make yourself happy. When you are truly happy, your happiness will only make you more beautiful on the inside and out.

Finally, I would like to add that being proper is about being self-aware. This is not to be confused with self-consciousness. Self-awareness is about consistently looking at who you are and thinking of new ways to improve yourself. It is about having standards that you hold yourself to on a daily basis. Once you have these standards, many decisions will become much easier, for you will know in your heart what is the right thing. Always trust that God will lead your heart in the right direction.

Stay lovely, proper girls.