Happily Ever Now

          I opened my dictionary and turned to the definition of "happiness." It read: "Happiness: the state of being happy." Well thanks for nothing, dictionary. What am I supposed to do with that? Here I am wanting to be happy, and I can't even look up a definition so that I am able to tell when that time comes. Maybe it will be when I marry the man of my dreams. Maybe it will be when I own everything with a Kate Spade label on it. Maybe it will happen someday. Someday...but when will someday come?
          Let's think about this for a minute. If I am waiting for happiness, that must mean that someone else has to give it to me. The man gives me the ring, the salesperson gives me that new bag. If I am supposed to be happy ever after that, I think I should get some sort of certificate telling me that I am now free to be happy. I'll hang it up in my house so that I never forget that someone has given me permission to start being happy. Seems silly, doesn't it? Well it is. Why would we let ourselves wait for someone else to make us happy? Shouldn't we do that ourselves? It is not only that we should be the ones making ourselves happy, but we must be the ones to dictate our happiness. We have to be happy with ourselves on our own; without relying on anyone else. I am not saying that we need to isolate ourselves from the rest of the world in fear that we might actually enjoy being around someone (especially, Heaven forbid, a boy), but we shouldn't become dependent on someone or something to make us happy. Unfortunately, this is because people will leave, things will break, and life sometimes falls apart. At the end of some days, all you have is you. One of my favorite philosophers, Pascal, wrote about how man's biggest fear is to be alone in a room with nothing to distract himself. Try this sometime, and you will see what he's talking about. Who are you without your cellphone, or your friends, or your boyfriend. Are you happy with who that is? If you are not, then you are the only one who can change that. You must become content with who you are by accepting the gifts you've been given, and acknowledging your flaws. I believe that our ultimate goal should be to be so happy with who we were made to be, that we inspire others to do the same.

Unbroken

          I turned off the television after watching a movie, and headed upstairs. I went through my usual bedtime routine of taking off my makeup and jewelry, and putting on my pajamas. I climbed in bed when all of a sudden it hit me. My mind started racing, I couldn't control my thoughts, and I started crying uncontrollably. I knew exactly what was happening: I was having another anxiety attack. These attacks are a part of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), which is what I was diagnosed with about four years ago. I have had things under control for a long time now, and felt like it had gone away completely, until the other night. I was crying because it had come back. I was crying because I didn't know what to do. I was crying, because once again, I felt like I was broken.

          Along with the scariness of having anxiety and OCD, I am always frightened by the thought that I am damaged. I think about the stigma of going to counseling, and about how I should be able to fix my own problems. I feel helpless sometimes, and hate not knowing what is going to happen next. I love having control over things, and to lose control over my mood and emotions is extremely frightening for me. I talked to my dad after that sleepless night, and told him that I thought it was coming back. I have always had a very good relationship with my father, and value his advice. This conversation was no different. I told him about all of my fears. I told him that I hated the idea of being broken, and worried that people will think I am weak because I can't handle this on my own. My dad looked at me with the an expression which told me in silence that everything was going to be ok. The words he told me were just what I needed to hear. He did not tell me I was fine. He didn't tell me that it's no big deal. He told me that just because this is happening to me, does not mean that I am broken. He gave me example after example of successful people whom have all had dark days in their past. Bad days do not mean a bad life, he told me. He reminded me that I am still in control of myself and my future. My dreams are not broken, and neither am I.

          I understand that you all will not have the same situation that I do. I used this as an example, despite the sensitive nature, because I believe that we have all felt broken at one time or another. Sometimes we feel like someone else broke us, sometimes we think that we ourselves are to blame, and other times we may feel broken with no obvious explanation. I hope that you can benefit from my dad's advice like I have. You see, the only way that something breaks, is if it stops functioning like it is supposed to. What is our function then? Our function is to persevere. It is important to keep in mind that there will be ups and downs, but that brighter days always lie ahead. We are supposed to live each day to the best of our ability. In that way, the only way we break is by deciding to do so and giving up. As long as we approach life as a gift that we must use as best as we can, though, we cannot break.