The Ugliest Color

          "Oh look, there he goes. The handsome boy with those deep blue eyes that could make a fifty-year old nun swoon. His hair looks so soft you just want to run your hands through it all day (in a non-creepy way). And that smile...oh that smile. One glimpse of those pearly white teeth of his and you'll think you just saw Heaven. Ugh but look who he's with...her. Look at the way she walks like she owns the place. Her clothes all cute and coordinated. Who does she think she is? Well at least I'm prettier than she is. I probably have better grades too. He's a fool for picking her over me."
          If you're anything like I am, that internal conversation has gone through your head more than a few times. You feel bad for not having something (or someone) that another girl has, so you have to actively convince yourself that you are better than she is in one or more other ways. Here's the problem with that logic, though: it actually makes you worse. I'm not going to give you the don't-be-mean-because-you'll-hurt-someone's-feelings (blah blah blah) speech. I am going to tell you why that familiar shade of green called jealousy that we clothe ourselves in is the worst possible color for every skin tone.
          Let's go back to that little internal conversation we had while Danny Dreamboy was walking by with that girl. I bet if you held a mirror up to your own face at that exact moment, you would see a facial expression that would prompt your grandmother to give some threat like "your face is going to get stuck like that if you keep glaring." The kind of face that not only gives off a most unpleasant image, but is also known to cause wrinkles. So by convincing yourself of how much prettier you are than she is, you are actually making yourself appear less so. Sorry, but Maybelline hasn't invented an anti-jealousy cream yet.
          Not only does the jealous green monster hurt your outside, but also your inside. If you spend all your time being reliant on hurting others just to build yourself up, you'll soon realize that life turns into a very tiring and unnecessary competition. Your self-worth should not be dependent on cutting others down. The foundation you build yourself up on should be made up of things you have accomplished and the many blessings you have been given. In the end, you have to see that you are truly beautiful in your own way. And once you do see that, you will begin to understand that truly beautiful girls look only for the beauty in others.

In My Own Little Corner

          I wish that I could promise you some sort of life-changing advice or message from the angels in this post, but unfortunately, all I can offer is what I'm thinking, and hope that some of you can relate and know that you aren't really alone after all. I read your emails to me about feeling like you don't have anyone to relate to or you feel left out at school, and my heart breaks for each one of you. I know exactly what feeling alone is like, and I know it is not fun. We may express these feelings to someone whom we are close to, and are told "It's just them. You're great. You just need to find the right people. etc.." In the end, though, it's very hard to think that anyone but you is to blame. "Maybe it's really my fault. Maybe I just keep isolating myself from people. Maybe I'm the one who put the chair in my own little corner," you think. If you're like I am, being in your own little corner can get very, well, lonely at times.

          Like I said, I don't have much advice for you on how to escape your own little corner, but perhaps just on how to change your view while you sit there. I have always been someone who enjoys being alone at times, and I honestly don't believe this is a bad thing. I think being alone at times forces us to be our own teacher, motivator, coach, and even best friend. That being said, being alone all the time can hurt. You wonder if there is someone out there who can relate to your personality, and get frustrated when you seem to find no one. Rather than thinking to yourself it is your fault, or that you need to change, or even that everyone else needs to change, I invite you to become more observant and more patient. We could all be more observant when it comes to learning about other people and trying to see their good qualities. I also think we should try to be a bit more patient with ourselves and others. Everyone has a different path when it comes to finding their true love, and maybe even to finding their own true friends. Perhaps you just haven't met your best friend or maid of honor yet. Be patient, and know that everyone goes through a time of feeling trapped in their own little corner. It just takes some a little longer to find the right people to dance with.

Don't Be That Girl

          We all know one (or many) of those girls who seem to bring their sob story with them everywhere they go. They're constantly looking for sympathy from other people about how their life is so hard and they can never seem to catch a break. We listen to them cry about how they're always the victim, and anything bad that happens is never their fault. Well of course you don't want to be (and hopefully aren't) that girl. That girl needs to be shipped to her own island with a box of tissues and some self-help books.
          Now, let's talk about another girl that you don't need to be. This girl is the one who goes through life looking for sympathy, not from other people, but from herself. She looks at the amazing things that other people have done and let's out a sigh as she wishes that she could be that talented, motivated, etc.. This is the girl who just is. She takes what's given to her, she doesn't ask questions. She doesn't want to get in anyone's way. If this girl could be described as a color, that color would be beige. And not even the beige that can look good when paired with other colors. This is the beige that has absolutely nothing to contribute to any color palette whatsoever. This girl whom you do not want to be is the one who does what's absolutely necessary, and nothing more. Dreaming is just something this girl does at night. This is the girl who will look back on her life when she's an old lady sitting in her beige living room and wish that she could have gone on at least one adventure.
          Ok, so now that we've established who that banal girl is, let's talk about why you are not that girl. You are not that girl, because you decide not to be that girl. You have dreams, and every day you make the choice to work your cute little butt off to achieve those dreams. You are not that girl, because you know that you can do anything you want to. No one needs to give you permission to be happy. No one needs to hand you the opportunity. You are not going to sit around and wait to be affected. You are going to go out and affect the world. Because, darling, you are not that girl.

Let's Get Naked

          When we were little, we ran around the playground with other boys and girls, blissfully unaware of what actually made us boys and girls. Until, that is, the little stink Tommy Holter decided to reveal to the entire kindergarten class why his body is different from his new baby sister's. After that, we were always told that your body is private, and not to be shown to everyone, let alone an entire room full of your classmates. In middle school we received the safe sex talk hearing the phrases "modest is hottest" and "don't do a thing without that ring!" at least a hundred times. To be physically naked with another person, we were told, was something special that has lasting effects on each person.

         Now what about being emotionally naked with someone? You may be laughing and thinking to yourself that there's no such thing. It's not like we have clothes on our emotions or something. Well, I think we do. I think that over time, we all try to cover up our emotions and stories so that we can focus, adjust, fit in, and move on. And the thing about these clothes, is that there really isn't a rule of when to take them off. There is no commandment saying "thou shalt not reveal thy daddy issues until the fourth date." Nope, we decide it all. We are given this frightening liberty of deciding whom and when we reveal our naked and raw emotions to. But much like revealing our physical bodies to someone, we don't get to decide what happens after we reveal our body of emotions to someone. I found this out the hard way a few times. I tend to trust people and open up to them very quickly. Some might argue that this is a good quality in a way, and I understand that it can make me seem more relatable. But another thing that I know, is that it hurts to be told in one way or another that your story is ugly or too much to handle. Very few people will tell you that in so many words. More so, they will just leave. They will see you standing there, all emotionally revealed, and decide that they don't want the burden. You can't really blame them for that. They never signed a contract saying that they would love you no matter what baggage you came with. You decided to tell them. You decided to bare it all to them. So there you stand - naked, alone, and wondering if someone will ever look at all of you and still want you.

          After you get hurt a few times, you'll probably be a little more careful, and maybe a lot more guarded. I suppose that may be a good thing. After all, you don't want to be the girl that emotionally sleeps around, do you? But what happens if you never get naked again? You certainly can't fall in love, that's for sure. I mean, how do you expect someone to love you if they are not getting all of you? Also, if we are never willing to drop our emotional trousers, what is going to make other people feel like they can do the same around us? So I suppose what I'm saying, is that being emotionally naked is a lot like being physically naked in some ways. You don't want to be the girl that reveals it all to everyone, but you also don't want to be the girl that never lets another person see her for who she is. After all, someday you will find the guy who will look at all he sees and still love you for every inch of you.

Happily Ever Now

          I opened my dictionary and turned to the definition of "happiness." It read: "Happiness: the state of being happy." Well thanks for nothing, dictionary. What am I supposed to do with that? Here I am wanting to be happy, and I can't even look up a definition so that I am able to tell when that time comes. Maybe it will be when I marry the man of my dreams. Maybe it will be when I own everything with a Kate Spade label on it. Maybe it will happen someday. Someday...but when will someday come?
          Let's think about this for a minute. If I am waiting for happiness, that must mean that someone else has to give it to me. The man gives me the ring, the salesperson gives me that new bag. If I am supposed to be happy ever after that, I think I should get some sort of certificate telling me that I am now free to be happy. I'll hang it up in my house so that I never forget that someone has given me permission to start being happy. Seems silly, doesn't it? Well it is. Why would we let ourselves wait for someone else to make us happy? Shouldn't we do that ourselves? It is not only that we should be the ones making ourselves happy, but we must be the ones to dictate our happiness. We have to be happy with ourselves on our own; without relying on anyone else. I am not saying that we need to isolate ourselves from the rest of the world in fear that we might actually enjoy being around someone (especially, Heaven forbid, a boy), but we shouldn't become dependent on someone or something to make us happy. Unfortunately, this is because people will leave, things will break, and life sometimes falls apart. At the end of some days, all you have is you. One of my favorite philosophers, Pascal, wrote about how man's biggest fear is to be alone in a room with nothing to distract himself. Try this sometime, and you will see what he's talking about. Who are you without your cellphone, or your friends, or your boyfriend. Are you happy with who that is? If you are not, then you are the only one who can change that. You must become content with who you are by accepting the gifts you've been given, and acknowledging your flaws. I believe that our ultimate goal should be to be so happy with who we were made to be, that we inspire others to do the same.

Unbroken

          I turned off the television after watching a movie, and headed upstairs. I went through my usual bedtime routine of taking off my makeup and jewelry, and putting on my pajamas. I climbed in bed when all of a sudden it hit me. My mind started racing, I couldn't control my thoughts, and I started crying uncontrollably. I knew exactly what was happening: I was having another anxiety attack. These attacks are a part of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), which is what I was diagnosed with about four years ago. I have had things under control for a long time now, and felt like it had gone away completely, until the other night. I was crying because it had come back. I was crying because I didn't know what to do. I was crying, because once again, I felt like I was broken.

          Along with the scariness of having anxiety and OCD, I am always frightened by the thought that I am damaged. I think about the stigma of going to counseling, and about how I should be able to fix my own problems. I feel helpless sometimes, and hate not knowing what is going to happen next. I love having control over things, and to lose control over my mood and emotions is extremely frightening for me. I talked to my dad after that sleepless night, and told him that I thought it was coming back. I have always had a very good relationship with my father, and value his advice. This conversation was no different. I told him about all of my fears. I told him that I hated the idea of being broken, and worried that people will think I am weak because I can't handle this on my own. My dad looked at me with the an expression which told me in silence that everything was going to be ok. The words he told me were just what I needed to hear. He did not tell me I was fine. He didn't tell me that it's no big deal. He told me that just because this is happening to me, does not mean that I am broken. He gave me example after example of successful people whom have all had dark days in their past. Bad days do not mean a bad life, he told me. He reminded me that I am still in control of myself and my future. My dreams are not broken, and neither am I.

          I understand that you all will not have the same situation that I do. I used this as an example, despite the sensitive nature, because I believe that we have all felt broken at one time or another. Sometimes we feel like someone else broke us, sometimes we think that we ourselves are to blame, and other times we may feel broken with no obvious explanation. I hope that you can benefit from my dad's advice like I have. You see, the only way that something breaks, is if it stops functioning like it is supposed to. What is our function then? Our function is to persevere. It is important to keep in mind that there will be ups and downs, but that brighter days always lie ahead. We are supposed to live each day to the best of our ability. In that way, the only way we break is by deciding to do so and giving up. As long as we approach life as a gift that we must use as best as we can, though, we cannot break. 

The Silver Rule

"Treat others the way you would want to be treated."

          These words hung above the door to my second grade classroom in brightly colored construction paper for all to see. "The golden rule," we were taught, was something we should always keep in mind when interacting with other people. It is an especially handy rule, particularly in the sense that it is not hard for people to understand. The simple repeating of the golden rule by our teacher in her sing-song voice would halt all hair-pulling and name-calling, and the classroom would return to it's calm state. One never had to worry about monitoring the obedience to the golden rule by others, as that was what teachers were for. If things got really out of hand, tattling was always an option, but only if done in secret, lest you gain a reputation as a tattle-taler. Nonetheless, the golden rule seemed to do its job quite well. That is, if everyone followed it.

          You see, that is where our problem lies. Without the overhanging threat of a time-out or trip to the principals office, what incentive is there to follow the golden rule? Many people will come to the conclusion that there is none, and the golden rule is better left in grade school. We are then left with the dilemma of having to deal with people who choose to abandon this rule. We have to become the monitors of how others treat us. In a way, we need to add another rule to our list. I believe this rule should read: "Let others treat you as you would treat them." Would you treat others with disrespect? I hope not. Why then, would you allow someone to treat you that way? People are going to treat you the way you let them treat you. You cannot simply hope that one day they will learn their lesson and start treating you better. Sometimes you need to be someone's lesson. By allowing yourself to be treated badly by someone, you are hurting both them and yourself. You can teach them a valuable lesson by simply walking away. There is no need to fight fire with fire. Hatred will not fix hatred. By treating others with respect, and refusing to associate with anyone who does otherwise, you will already begin to help everyone, including yourself. So, be an example to others, treating them the way you would want to be treated, with respect and kindness. But always remember this secondary, perhaps silver rule: Let others treat you as you would treat them.